Exactly what the title say,
I stopped making time for me.
Everyday I sit and I wonder why I feel the way I do and why I beat myself up so much.
How can I be a good mum and be positive if I put myself last all the time.
You know, when I’m in the house all I do is clean and sort stuff out for the children. It’s always never ending and in my head I tell myself that I’ll do that thing for me when I’m done cleaning. I never get done and so I’m always in this predicament.
I think back how much my life has changed this last 5 years since they took my gallbladder out. I remember finally feeling safe after two years of horrific illness. I remember promising myself that nothing would change,
but things did change!
Within a year we had bought a new house. It was months of packing and sorting and all whilst doing a degree. My doctor told me multiple times to stop the degree. I wasn’t invincible and that I was suffering with extreme stress. I’m ok I’d say, I’m strong and I will win. Slowly my exercise that I religiously did became second best. I wasn’t noticing results but my body was changing so much post op. Blood test results were coming back not good. It didn’t spur me on to work out harder, it made me give up.
That’s what I’ve done, I’ve given up.
I leave myself no time at all to self heal and regenerate. I simply blend in with the house and life. I’m still doing a house up whilst working a full time job plus another job on the side. I feel utter guilt for doing anything that isn’t for the house and the children. Somethings changed somewhere.
Before this house I would go to the gym everyday and do other exercises that day too. I did tonnes but I felt fantastic. I didn’t feel guilty for giving myself time. I would let my husband take some reign. I would go to the gym about 9pm most nights. I didn’t ask, I told. I was a better person for it.
We all know the logics of exercise. I told you all when I actively ran my fitness blog. It’s all about endorphins. Also, 30 minutes a day just to be out in the open air to clear your head and release the negative toxins. I don’t do any of it now. I worked out last week but had a child hugging my leg.
Truth be told, the stress is worst than it’s ever been. I’m bored of the house. I’m bored of feeling like I can’t go out because there’s too much to do here.
So today this will change.
What will you change today?
The truth is, how can we care for others if we don’t fully care for ourselves. I walk around in a body and mind that I don’t know. I smile but inside it’s all very dark.
So here’s my pledge… 30 minutes a day for me.
I’m going to monitor the changes and do a weekly update from now on. I’m not going back to my fitness blog, I will do it on here and hopefully I can motivate others that have been feeling like me to do the same. It’s not that I just want my body back, I want me back and when I smile, I want them to be real.
There’s always one thing that has kept coming back these last 5 years and it is ‘Stress’. Telling me that’s what I have. Yes, blood tests have come back abnormal every time but the stress word is always mentioned. So regardless of my thyroid disease, stress really can affect everything.